is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
