I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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