you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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