First date: that requires underwear, huh?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
