she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
