I should be sponsored by Trojan
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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