i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
