I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
