Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
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Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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