My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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