So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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