hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
