sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
