Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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