Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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