The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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