Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
