i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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