Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
