remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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