Just fell off a train. Bad.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
