im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
