i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
