turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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