I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
