Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
