there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I didn't notice because vodka
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
