my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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