idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
