So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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