I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
