Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize
