I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
