Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
