I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
