his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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