i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Will exercising make me less horny?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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