I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
