I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
