That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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