I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
