i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
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Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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