I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
