Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
