I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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