god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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