Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
