i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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