ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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