You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
