I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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