i need an iv and a liver transplant
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
