the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
