The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
