Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
