i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
