just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize