she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
