I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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