I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
